My Dearest Emily
by LoveHGSS
Summary: Sequel to Dear Aaron. This is Hotch's letter back to Emily.


Summary – Sequel to Dear Aaron. This is Hotch's letter back to Emily.

This is for Collinda, whose tweets I just absolutely adore.

**Warning – mild language.**

My Dearest Emily,

I'm going to start this the same way you started yours – if you're reading this, you still aren't home. Where you belong. With Jack and I. When JJ gave me your letter, it took me almost a week to be able to read it. I wasn't ready to see your handwriting, to hear what you had to say. I was so angry at you that I wanted to tear it up and not read it, but the anger faded when I closed my eyes and saw your face as I last saw it. I don't know if you know this, but I had demanded to see that you were alive before I left the hospital. JJ had taken me to you while you were out of it. I was hoping you'd open your eyes so we could talk for a moment, but you were just lying there with tubes and wires all over. It made me sick.

I had told you I loved you, how much I would miss you, but I don't think you heard any of it. Your hand twitched when I held it, your eyelids fluttered when I kissed your forehead, but JJ basically forced me to leave so they could move you to a secure hospital to recover. Having to go back into the waiting room and sit with the team, to watch their concerned faces while they waited to hear a complete lie, killed me. I watched as our friends, our family, fell apart as JJ outright lied to them. Reid lost it and thankfully JJ caught him before he went in search of your dead body so he could say goodbye. Garcia sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and it hasn't changed much from then until now. Dave cries on his own time because he doesn't know how to express his feelings, doesn't want to upset the rest of the team. Morgan feels this horrible guilt and I'm honestly waiting for him to snap. And there I was, not knowing how to react. I had to walk from them.

God, Emily, how could you do that? How could you just ignore EVERYTHING we'd built and leave me? You could have died! You could be six feet below the ground right now, never to take another breath again, but yet you just didn't care. I get it, you did it for everyone else, but I don't think you ever stopped to think about the fact that 'everyone else' is the best damn team in the country to take down people like Doyle. You were driven by love and fear, yet you didn't even tell me, the person you say you love the most. I could have helped you, baby. I could have protected you. I could have helped you, whether it be physically or emotionally, I could have been there for you like I always was.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Emily. It's not fair for me to beat you while you're down, but it's the truth to me. I understand why you did what you did, but I don't agree with it. I would never think any less of you, because you're such an amazing woman, I just don't agree with what you did. At first I told myself that you and I could never be together after this, that the lack of trust on your part was something I could never get over. I was lying to myself. I want you home. I want you here with me, with Jack, with the team. I don't give a shit anymore about why or how or what, I want you back. I want to see your beautiful face, to see you smile, to hear your laugh, to hug you.

What I wouldn't give to touch you right now. I would sign resignation papers right now to have you back in my arms. I would never want a single thing again if I could just kiss your lips, hold you while we slept. That's what I miss the most. Just holding you, burying my face into your hair like we hadn't a care in the world. I miss Jack coming into the bed in the middle of the night and sneaking in between us. I remember the first time it happened, I was about to tell him to go back to his own bed but you woke up and asked him what was wrong. He told you he had a bad dream, that he wanted to talk to you, so you just wrapped him up in a tight hug and hummed him back to sleep. I fell so deeply in love you that night. I had already been in love with you, but I don't remember feeling more in love with you than I did at that moment.

I know you're probably waiting for me to tell you more about Jack. First of all, he misses so much. He asks for you so often that it breaks my heart. I couldn't look into my son's eyes for a second time and tell him someone he considered a mother had died. Lying to everyone was hard, but I couldn't lie to my son. I told him you were going to be gone for a long time, and he asked me if you were with Haley, but I told him no without even thinking about it. He wanted to call you, to tell you that you needed to come and visit, but I told him he couldn't. He got really mad with me and stormed off, but eventually came around. I think he blames me for you not being around, which is fine. I didn't bring him to your funeral because I knew he'd understand and assume that I had lied to him about you coming back at some point.

Speaking of your funeral, that was perhaps one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Can you imagine how that felt, having to 'bury' another woman that I loved? I promised myself a long time ago that I would never compare you to Haley, or Haley to you, and I don't think I am. It almost hurt me more to be at your funeral. Knowing that you were still alive, that I COULD see you again, made it worse. There was no finality, no closure, just watching as the team fell apart at your gravesite. I had to look your parents in the face and see them grieve while telling them Jack couldn't make it because he was sick. I lied to your parents, Emily. It seems like so small in the grand scheme of things, but it felt like the icing on the cake.

I had a dream a few months ago, about us in a few years from now, sitting in the sand at some beach. We weren't doing anything but holding hands and looking out at the ocean. I kissed your hand, something I know you secretly love, and I saw a wedding band on both our hands. I woke up and wanted to cry. I want so much with you, sweetheart, and that is one of the many things. I know this isn't the place to tell you, but I want to marry you. I want you to be mine for the rest of our lives. I want to see you walking down a white carpeted aisle to me so we can profess our undying love to each other in front of all our friends and family. I want to see you pregnant with my child, to see both our faces meshed into a small little baby that will grow into an amazing person. I want to see you old and grey sitting on a porch with me as we watch our grandchildren playing in the yard.

I need to you to know that I am using every spare second I have to find Doyle. I know you don't think I can be as brutal, as ruthless, as cruel as him, but when it comes to you I can be anything. Morgan has been helping me, as has Dave, but we're aren't coming up with much. We're trying though. Mark my words, if I have the chance, I will do whatever it takes to get you home. If it means flying to some random country and hunting the bastard down, I'll be on the first flight out. I promise you that I won't do it alone, so please don't worry. You always worry. I won't go in blind, because I need to stay alive to be able to see you again. And Jack, of course. You both mean the world to me, and I find myself being more cautious day after day thanks to you two.

God, Emily, I need you. I need you more than I think you realize. Since you've been gone, I haven't been able to sleep well, to breathe right. I can't close my eyes at night and feel good about it, about not knowing if you're alright, if you're scared, if you're hurt. I need to see you, to touch you, to feel your heartbeat against my side as we fall asleep. I want to hear you whisper sweet words to my son when he climbs into bed during a thunderstorm and only wants to be held by you. You were such a rock for both my family and the team. We need you, Emily. We don't function right without you. You aren't some missing puzzle piece, you were the glue that held up all together, the thing that meshed the team into a well oiled machine.

I could go on for pages and pages about how badly I miss you and how much I love you, but I think I got out everything that needed to be said. Just know that there is a man who loves you more than anything in this world, as well as a little boy who desperately needs 'his Emily', anxiously awaiting your return. There's a ring in a black velvet box in a nightstand drawer with your name and mine engraved on the inside needing a finger to be placed on. There's arms waiting to be filled, a fluffy pillow needing the sweet scent of your hair, a side of a bed begging for your warmth. There are five members of your family who come to work every day and look at an empty seat in a lonely bullpen. The BAU is a darker place without you. Just know that there are many people in need of your radiance and bright smile.

Come home safe, my Emily. I love you more than you'll ever know and it feels like a lifetime since I last saw you. Until I'm able to see you again…

Forever yours,

Aaron

_A/N – Please take just a moment out to review! Thank you!_


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